Antsy Pants

Dear I don't know your name (let's call you Antsy) Customer,

Why do you always look like you are in a huge hurry to get somewhere? You just got off work. You are a grown-ass man, do you have a curfew? It is 1 a.m., I am confused. I am also irritable because instead of waiting like a normal person, you literally bounce from foot to foot. Is the minute it takes me to ring up your shit and process the transaction really a minute too much?

Yes, I know you want a bag. You always want a bag for the 3 items you purchase every night. You've been coming here for all 4 years I've been working here. You don't need to tell me you need a bag while I'm still putting your money in my drawer and handing you the receipt. I got it. In fact, one time I started bagging your shit before you gave me your money. I left 2 things out to deal with your cash, and then because putting those 2 things into the bag while I finished cashing you out was (apparently) too much for you to handle yourself, I put them in the bag after I was done. So don't act like I'm slowing you down.

Also, if I am being slow putting your money away, it's because it's always a wrinkled pile of shit. Maybe invest in a wallet, or fold it when you get it? I don't want to tell you how to live your life. I'm just saying, it wouldn't take me 15 seconds (of your valuable time) to straighten it all out if it wasn't a crinkled pile of deuces.

Trust me, I also want you out of the store just as quickly as possible.

Sincerely Yours,
Bitchy & I Know It

ps. This is why I glare at you every night.

How to Not Be a Jack-Off in a Place of Retail

I work customer service at a rather large grocery store, and it is unbelievable how many people I encounter who have no respect for the people servicing them. It's like, "Well, this person is getting paid to help me, so why should I be nice about it?"

There are plenty of reasons to be nice to me when I'm behind the counter, but most importantly: what goes around comes around.

Here's a list of things you should keep in mind next time you need to return a package of moldy strawberries at the grocery store or a pair of pants with a ripped hem at JCPenney.

Please don't yell at us.
This should not require an explanation.

Keep it simple.
Most reasons for returns are similar in nature, and do not require a life-long story to accompany them. "It didn't fit," or "this milk tasted sour," will suffice. Also, the longer the story, the more I think you're trying to con me. Just ask the guy who tried to return two $40 bottles of Co-Q 10 without a receipt, as he explained his sister bought them, but his friend didn't need them, so he needed to return them, but the receipt had blown out of the bag. Mmmkay.

Don't start out with "I have a complaint."
Now I'm just bracing myself for spitting words of hatred, even if you have every intention of being polite.

Don't micromanage.
I'm the one getting paid to work here. Please don't tell me how to do my job, which is not run just like every other place you've taken a return to.

It is never the clerk's fault.

Don't yell at me because the dumb rewards program the store's corporate office has crapped out isn't working like it should. As clerks, we don't get paid enough to make the rules or be informed of new decisions promptly, so don't point the finger at us. Half the time, the customer isn't using the program correctly, anyway. Just calmly state what the problem is and your message might make it to the proper destination.

Get a life.
If your goal in life is to make everyone's day miserable just because you are, you need to invest in a new one.

Sorry for the crude ranty-ness, but I'm not allowed to say these things when I really want to.

When I'm feeling down about my job, this site always gives me a happy: http://notalwaysright.com/ What stories about unruly customers do you have?

Old Friends, Bookends

My attention to car detail is not great. But you get the picture, right? 

(hehe, picture...yes, I'm done now)

Speaking of Paranoia

Ever imagine all the pictures in your house watch and judge you? I mean, not all of them, just the ones with eyes. Obviously. Like that picture of your best friend is watching you spend 6 hours doing nothing but picking your nose and zoning out to Netflix? Or Grandma and Grandpa are watching you get day drunk? Because I totally never imagine that. How irrational would that be? Shah!

But you will now.

Paranoia, Paranoia...

Do you ever wonder if the sensors in automatic toilets are actually cameras? And that the cameras are watched by little sewer gnomes who see when you finish, and push a button that makes the toilet flush behind you? And that the little sewer gnomes are taking statistics about obesity in America?

No? Okay. Me neither...