The Smoke Detector That Could

I just read an article about a smoke detector that woke up a couple when their house had started a fire, urging them to safety... OMG A SMOKE DETECTOR JUST DOING ITS JOB.

We really are in the land of Cornfields...

NEWSFLASH

So, I posted a status on Facebook today stating that not every Muslim is a terrorist.

Because it's true.

I had just seen several politically-based posts in a row, implying that all Muslims are in fact screaming banshee terrorists out to destroy the world. Here's one that pissed me off:

No it's not.

And this one, an excerpt from a "letter to Obama from a 95-year-old veteran" who probably doesn't exist, or write such well-written letters:

And just who do you think you are telling the American people not to jump to conclusions and condemn that Muslim major who killed 13 of his fellow soldiers and wounded dozens more. You mean you don’t want us to do what you did when that white cop used force to subdue that black college professor in Massachusetts , who was putting up a fight? You don’t mind offending the police calling them stupid but you don’t want us to offend Muslim fanatics by calling them what they are, terrorists.

Most people responded positively to what I said, understanding that what I said is indeed a fact, and that was that. But all it takes is one person to be a jackass.

This person responded by privately messaging me, calling me a hippie, and telling me that "not all Muslims are terrorists, but almost all terrorists are Muslims." There are two things that bother me about this happening:

1. Although this may be partially true (to Americans), it still doesn't in any way legitimately refute what I said. 
2. If you are going to oppose something that someone said publicly, you should be expected to do the same. Messaging me privately just implies you are a pussy and don't want to take the criticism you know you will receive from the public.

I'm not saying everyone should outwardly post their opinions (or facts) on the Internet all the time. I'm just saying don't be such a jackass all the time.

Shower Songs

Singing the chorus of "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Offspring in the shower:

Nice work ya DICK
Yer gonna go fuck him!
With a thousand lies
And her big fat thighs
Hit her right between the thighs!
Hit her right between the thighs!
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
Say the right thing in her thighs!
See 'em running
FUCK our lives!

Obnoxiously loud. That is the only way to let your neighbors know who's boss. Good thing my neighbor is half deaf. She is also my landlady.

WHAT IS IN MY EYE

Why don't my eyelashes want to part each other? And why is it moderately cloudy / blurry in my right eye? And why is it soooo dry???

Waahhhhhh...

I think the eyelashes are the most annoying thing.

Antsy Pants

Dear I don't know your name (let's call you Antsy) Customer,

Why do you always look like you are in a huge hurry to get somewhere? You just got off work. You are a grown-ass man, do you have a curfew? It is 1 a.m., I am confused. I am also irritable because instead of waiting like a normal person, you literally bounce from foot to foot. Is the minute it takes me to ring up your shit and process the transaction really a minute too much?

Yes, I know you want a bag. You always want a bag for the 3 items you purchase every night. You've been coming here for all 4 years I've been working here. You don't need to tell me you need a bag while I'm still putting your money in my drawer and handing you the receipt. I got it. In fact, one time I started bagging your shit before you gave me your money. I left 2 things out to deal with your cash, and then because putting those 2 things into the bag while I finished cashing you out was (apparently) too much for you to handle yourself, I put them in the bag after I was done. So don't act like I'm slowing you down.

Also, if I am being slow putting your money away, it's because it's always a wrinkled pile of shit. Maybe invest in a wallet, or fold it when you get it? I don't want to tell you how to live your life. I'm just saying, it wouldn't take me 15 seconds (of your valuable time) to straighten it all out if it wasn't a crinkled pile of deuces.

Trust me, I also want you out of the store just as quickly as possible.

Sincerely Yours,
Bitchy & I Know It

ps. This is why I glare at you every night.

How to Not Be a Jack-Off in a Place of Retail

I work customer service at a rather large grocery store, and it is unbelievable how many people I encounter who have no respect for the people servicing them. It's like, "Well, this person is getting paid to help me, so why should I be nice about it?"

There are plenty of reasons to be nice to me when I'm behind the counter, but most importantly: what goes around comes around.

Here's a list of things you should keep in mind next time you need to return a package of moldy strawberries at the grocery store or a pair of pants with a ripped hem at JCPenney.

Please don't yell at us.
This should not require an explanation.

Keep it simple.
Most reasons for returns are similar in nature, and do not require a life-long story to accompany them. "It didn't fit," or "this milk tasted sour," will suffice. Also, the longer the story, the more I think you're trying to con me. Just ask the guy who tried to return two $40 bottles of Co-Q 10 without a receipt, as he explained his sister bought them, but his friend didn't need them, so he needed to return them, but the receipt had blown out of the bag. Mmmkay.

Don't start out with "I have a complaint."
Now I'm just bracing myself for spitting words of hatred, even if you have every intention of being polite.

Don't micromanage.
I'm the one getting paid to work here. Please don't tell me how to do my job, which is not run just like every other place you've taken a return to.

It is never the clerk's fault.

Don't yell at me because the dumb rewards program the store's corporate office has crapped out isn't working like it should. As clerks, we don't get paid enough to make the rules or be informed of new decisions promptly, so don't point the finger at us. Half the time, the customer isn't using the program correctly, anyway. Just calmly state what the problem is and your message might make it to the proper destination.

Get a life.
If your goal in life is to make everyone's day miserable just because you are, you need to invest in a new one.

Sorry for the crude ranty-ness, but I'm not allowed to say these things when I really want to.

When I'm feeling down about my job, this site always gives me a happy: http://notalwaysright.com/ What stories about unruly customers do you have?

Old Friends, Bookends

My attention to car detail is not great. But you get the picture, right? 

(hehe, picture...yes, I'm done now)